Saturday, March 27, 2010

Please say please#***

Witnessed this fight between two women in Sainsbury [a chain of supermarkets. The new church of England is the supermarket.You have to go there and burn your money in the altar in return for life's essentials and inessentials, whether you like it or not.]

Now the fight was over some thing very serious.
Woman 1 [bellowing in her full volume]: "You said excuse me and didn't say thank you."
Woman 2 [in an ever higher pitch]: "I said thank you dammit. I said excuse me and thank you. If you didn't hear it, I can't do anything"
Thankfully they didn't roll over in the ground and do a wrestling match about the 'thank you'.

The English [and whoever else inhabit the kingdom currently] are pretty serious about 'please' and 'thank you'. If you are loaded into the shores of the island recently they will do their best to make you aware about the necessity of both the phrases. Chinese, Vietnamese, Japanese and other east asian students in my college routinely get a free lecture from the cafeteria lady when they say "can I have a small cappuccino". The lady will remind them that what they said was very rude and they should add a 'please'. Self has not faced any problems in that direction because have been training to say "please" as acidly as the English.The  woman does look up from the counter at the hostile tone. But, since the mandatory 'please' was added, she can't complain.

Another  duty the earlier residents of the island have taken upon themselves is the task of correcting the new comer's English. They can easily give you a few tips on grammar while servicing your computer. One reason for coming here was to improve your English, right? Since self comes from a colonized country where the mastery of the sacred language was very important, you would think things will be fine. But no, self and the canadian/welsh/irish/english person stare at each other in total incomprehension over 'accents' [on both sides]. Many friends from other countries find the multiple varieties of 'English language' pulsing through this small island too much to take. As for self, these days there is a small satisfaction when some one says "pardon, can you come again?". Just like self can't get what they are talking, they too can't understand self!!!That is what is called equality of the opportunity of the language or whatever.

Tuesday, March 23, 2010

Pretty Woman

Being a pretty woman is a full time profession.No, I don't mean the model/actress variety. But, the every day variety who makes men go weak on their knees or somewhere else and who make women wonder which plastic surgery or life jeopardising slimming pill she is taking.

Pretty much most women can enter the profession of looking beautiful. You need detailed food intake plans [oranges are good for skin, avacado for hair and no pastries or any thing tasty etc etc], bone ache inducing exercising plans and a small fortune to spend in beauty parlours where they uproot your body hair and subject you to similar torture methods in return for a fat some of money. In addition, you can spend every waking hour worrying about whether your hair is out of place or the large glass of water which you just had makes your tummy bulge in that skin tight suit[ Of course shopping for the right skin tight suit is as difficult as looking for the gold which your great grandma hid in the garden for future generations]. Do not forget to smile through the whole process and make it look like it is all very normal.

It takes guts to be a woman like that. Not to mention having a good career in banking/media or wherever in addition to the excruciating profession of looking beautiful. Most women do not feel that they are superhuman enough to put out the show on an everyday basis. So we reserve it for special occasions like a friends' wedding or a date or when nothing in life seem to go right. The longest it can last is when you have  found new love till it turns sour like every other pickle in the market.

Shows like 'Sex and the City' sometimes scare the hell out of me. One would think that by the time you hit 40-s or 50-s you can take semi retirement from the business of looking beautiful. But, hell NOOO. You are supposed to look sexy and have a trim figure and a flawless skin [pray hard to the botox god]. If not, how will you attract a man. Isn't that the end of every female enterprise? How much ever insane it might seem to attract the predator species even in such an advanced age. Growing old is no longer a calmer span where you are more sure of yourself and give a fuck for the world, let alone a man. That was how the women of my granny's age went old [at least in the part of the world I come from]. But, such luxuries are no more there for us. The price of liberation which was bestowed by benevolent multinational gods.

So, the way ahead lies in tweezing, scrubbing and breaking your bones in exercise machines and surviving on a the diet of a famine hit person. You could one day be rewarded with beauty