Saturday, February 22, 2014

For Moms

Disclaimer: This is not one of the hallmark card pieces for mothers' day and is intended for a fully grown up adult audience of any age.
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"It might have to do with your relationship to your mother"
That was from the very highly qualified (and  really nice) professional stranger whom I pay to have the almost narcissistic satisfaction  of getting my life analysed. Many friends have offered to do it for half the money, but for the time being it is nice to do it "professionally".

Then there is the truck load of psychoanalytic crap which you just can't avoid when you are riding a bicycle through the dirt filled alleys of academia. If in doubt just listen to Zizek while he shits apart the molecules of the world using Lacan and penis. The last bit was reading an almost psychedelic piece about camera as the penis.

Now the only thing which equals psychoanalysis' intense love for penis is its intense hatred for mothers.

Well, in the first place self can't really understand the joy of carrying a human form within you for 9 months (bloating, morning sickness etc etc ...ufffff) and going through the most excruciating pain known to humans (apart from probably burning to death) to produce a mouse like object which will constantly howl and shit and then shit and howl. As the being grows up, it will a become an even more complicated machinery to operate. A little like a robot gone rogue. According to folk lore, from babyhood to the 'adult' age of 3, these are some of the feats which self accomplished.
-test drinking different liquids. Samples included kerosene, washing liquid etc and has resulted in more than one hospitalization.
-beating up, biting or in general attacking babies smaller than self. A particular attraction was pulling ear piercings. A few toddlers and their ear ornaments have ended up in hospitals with stitches
-Running into the road to test the efficiency of traffic.

These were just some of the highlights of a very colorful babyhood. Childhood was less eventful. Apart from driving away quite a few house keeper cum babysitters and collecting funds from the entire class to sneak out of school to buy sweets for every one. This no profit business with purely altruistic motives came to an end when self  was seen by one of mom's friends in a shop about one kilometer away from school. Then there were occasional decisions to give up school at class 2, class 4 etc and a general refusal to become a believer in mathematics (PS: is still a maths atheist). Some of self's stronger reservations with mathematics has resulted in a teacher throwing self's maths notebook out of the window in protest. 

Now, all this was nothing compared to the  looooooooooooooooooooooooooong teenage years which can be seen as a long tantrum and shouting march which lasted for 5 years. If I were in mom's place, I would have taken my teenage self in a car, driven to a sea shore and dropped her in the sea and rode away in peace. Thankfully there was no sea around the area where we lived and mom did not know driving. 

Well, then thankfully growing up happened and self moved away to live in other parts of earth. Finding similar rogue beings for company and the smell of travel made things a bit smoother. Except on occasions when mom and dad will make their juvenile attempts to pair self with another human being in a blissful heterosexual union. These attempts always end in tantrums reminiscent of teenage years. Only difference being that now there are three people behaving like bad ass teenagers. Self's brother who has acquired a zen like demeanor as a result of sharing a childhood with self will watch the show before burying himself in a copy of 'MY FAMILY AND OTHER ANIMALS'.
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Now, I would say mom deserves a Nobel peace prize for going through the entire proceedings. Dad could share her glory, but only as supporting cast. But instead what she gets is a highly 'scientific' verdict about how every little 'issue' in self's life is a result of her not patting self enough or may be patting too much. There is nothing about the friends and foes self met with, self's idiosyncratic book of living life the hard but fun way, a deeply sexist, sectarian and racist society....IT WAS ALL MOM'S FAULT. IT IS ALL MOM'S FAULT.IT WILL BE ALL MOM'S FAULT.

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Still, why do women sign up for momhood?






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